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J1NX3D
Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Posts: 1333
Location: New Zealand
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 Posted: Mon May 24, 2004 9:12 am Post subject: OT funny story |
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| Quote: | Originally posted by Pumpkin
Got this in an email a week or two ago and i thought i'd share it on the forums,
posted it somewhere else but i though i would share with you guys too after all the coments i got,
well without further a-do...
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!
Little did I suspect ...I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close.
I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular ... as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest.
Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in ... well ... I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle ... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on The Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the
moment) so her front end started to
drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet.
By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ...sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ... so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car. I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment.
When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street and was aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And some Band-Aids. |
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numbbers
Joined: 05 Nov 2002
Posts: 1910
Location: Highlands Ranch, Colorado
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| Posted: Mon May 24, 2004 9:47 am Post subject: |
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Absolutely great.
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wdb
Joined: 02 Nov 2002
Posts: 2024
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| Posted: Mon May 24, 2004 12:18 pm Post subject: |
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hmmm , a k9 attack squirrell that doesnt like cops . where can I get 1 .when I roll down the window you let him have it . you see officer , just like when that dam psychotic squirell tore up your face , he did the same to me , thats why I was driving like a mad man .  |
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Paul
Joined: 02 Nov 2002
Posts: 9491
Location: Southeast Wisconsin
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| Posted: Mon May 24, 2004 12:59 pm Post subject: |
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| Hope the guy sees a doctor for a rabies test! |
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mrgtturbo
Joined: 06 Jan 2003
Posts: 526
Location: Skowhegan, ME
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| Posted: Mon May 24, 2004 3:47 pm Post subject: |
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I live in Maine so I've given this some thought.
If I ever came across Rocky and Bullwinkle in the road... I'd aim for Rocky.
Now I'm begining to think hitting a moose would be less dramatic!!!
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wdb
Joined: 02 Nov 2002
Posts: 2024
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| Posted: Mon May 24, 2004 6:54 pm Post subject: |
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this story sounds like the movie I just watched , holy shoot , scared the bejeebers out of me , you brits are a sick lot . anybody see "28 Days Later" night of the living dead on crack .animal rights activist break into a research lab to rescue monkeys and release a virus called rage , 1 drop in a cut,your eye, or mouth ,10 secounds later your infected and homicidal. if you dont love horror movies ,steer clear of this 1 . you've been warned ! think I'm kidding , watch it by yourself late at night with the lights out , YOU"ll SEE
heres a rather deceptively mild peek .
http://www2.foxsearchlight.com/28dayslater/ |
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red924
Joined: 13 Oct 2003
Posts: 281
Location: London, England
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mikecoupegt
Joined: 17 Feb 2004
Posts: 58
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| Posted: Mon May 24, 2004 11:26 pm Post subject: Man that was priceless |
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| It brought tears to my eyes reading it! |
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78porsche924
Joined: 14 Dec 2002
Posts: 1217
Location: Newark, DE(near where DE,MD and PA meets)
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J1NX3D
Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Posts: 1333
Location: New Zealand
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| Posted: Tue May 25, 2004 7:16 am Post subject: Re: Man that was priceless |
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| mikecoupegt wrote: | | It brought tears to my eyes reading it! |
same as me!! my flatmates were giving me peculiar looks... so was the cat... 
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kaffine
Joined: 13 Jun 2003
Posts: 644
Location: Las Vegas
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| Posted: Tue May 25, 2004 5:07 pm Post subject: |
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I bet there is a cop forum out there with a message about some crazy guy doing 80mph on 1 wheel throwing an attack squrriel of death into their car and the squrriel shreading all of their paperwork:)
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80 924
80 931
The best desciption of an atom boils down to something unknown is doing we don't know what.
Sir Arthur Eddington |
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Sleykin
Joined: 30 Apr 2003
Posts: 758
Location: Medford, Oregon USA
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| Posted: Thu May 27, 2004 9:48 am Post subject: |
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I can see it now ... Honest Sarge! The squirrel ate our reports!
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Medford, OR
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Roger
Joined: 06 Jan 2003
Posts: 1235
Location: Cordova, TN
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| Posted: Thu May 27, 2004 12:24 pm Post subject: |
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I laughed so hard I cried.
There is alot of crazyness in my household Sister-in-law gave birth, people fighting, our wedding in three weeks. I realy needed a god laugh even if it was at your expense. Thanks
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1981 924 NA
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. |
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emoore924
Joined: 13 Apr 2004
Posts: 2822
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| Posted: Sat May 29, 2004 2:47 am Post subject: |
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I wonder what happened after he got done with the cops?
In any case, I'm sure that ol' bundle of claws and teeth is still out there..., somewhere...terrorizing the neighborhood....maybe in YOUR home town...hey... what was that... it sounds like, naw it couldn't be, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! |
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